La Boheme by PucciniLa Bohème: A Old Lesson in Living and Dying Stan Goldberg December 3, 2014 End of Life, Thoughts of the Day7 CommentsLast night with my wife I attended La Boheme, an opera by Puccini showing how little attitudes about dying changed since 1896 when the opera was first performed.DEALING WITH LOSSIn the third act, Mimi, the heroine, learns her lover, Rodolfo, rejected her because he believed her illness would lead to her death and he couldn’t accept the loss. Not the most stellar of personal attributes. So, as many people do with dying, instead of confronting their fear, he leaves her to fend for herself.LEARNING TO BE HELPFULIn my hospice experiences, I often heard stories from patients who felt rejected when friends and loved ones learned they were dying. While some took the rejection as a statement about them, I think we often aren’t as helpful as we want to be because we don’t know how.That’s why I wrote, “I Have Cancer,” 48 Things to Do When You Hear Those Words. I think most people want to help in a health crisis, but run away either because they think they don’t have the skills to help a person who is dying or are afraid of confronting their mortality.FACING DEATH In the final act, Mimi makes her way back to Rodolfo’s apartment to die. Laying on his bed, looking out the window and surrounded by friends, she begins the process of dying. While everyone, except Rodolfo, understands what’s happening and says their final goodbyes, Rodolfo still pretends she’ll recover. Delusional, as many people are today when facing death.If there was another act covering Rodolfo’s life, I’m sure Puccini would show him as someone filled with regrets about not saying or doing things showing his love for Mimi. I found the same in caregivers I counsel. The lesson? Don’t wait to tell someone how important they are in your life.The performance by the San Francisco Opera was spectacular and a lesson in how attitudes on the acceptance of death haven’t changed over the last 118 years. SIGN UP TO GET ACCESS I agree to have my personal information transfered to AWeber ( more information )Subscribe to get updates and receive your ebook - Family Conflicts During Health Crises: 13 Best Strategies To Prevent ThemWe hate spam. Your email address will not be sold or shared with anyone else. 7 Responses Beth Voorhes December 6, 2014 ooops….sorry I spelled your name wrong. Reply Stan Goldberg December 7, 2014 Not a problem Reply Beth Voorhes December 6, 2014 Hi Dr. Goldburg, I am a hospice nurse in the Bay Area. I have a pt who is at the end stage of Alzheimers. Her son is taking his mother (who has always loved the opera) to see the same performance this weekend. He is doing this against the advice of the staff where she resides, other family members, and even some of the members of my team. To take this woman anywhere will require a taxing effort that may even cause her some discomfort and stress. I have had many discussions with the people opposed to this trip and was even “on the fence” myself. As I read your blog, I began to feel confident that this is going to be a good thing…..for him as well as her. My prayer is that she will have an incredible lucid moment and thoroughly enjoy hearing her last opera with her family. Thank you for all the work that you do. Reply Stan Goldberg December 7, 2014 Hi Beth,I realize that my response will probably be too late for you patient. So, the advice can be used for other patients. To avoid anxiety caused by new situations it’s best to prepare the patient by introducing elements of the new setting. For the opera, I would have suggested listening to some arias, showing her photographs of the performance, and if possible even taking her to the building.Basically, what you are trying to do is introduce some familiarity, and hoping elements will remain in her memoryTake Care, Stan Reply Ken Stofft December 3, 2014 Point well made, Stan. The same happens when people shun hearing of another’s problems. Too much for them to take in, but more likely too close for comfort. Have you read and listened to “Graceful Passages”, a small elegant book on death, containing two CDs, one with the messages from various people about death and their own dying, and the other with only music. I’m using some of those messages in a January 17th workshop I’m facilitating: “Transitioning into Death: A Personal Exploration”. This workshop is for men for I believe men in particular have a difficult time “letting go”. Reply Stan Goldberg December 4, 2014 Hi Ken,I’m very familiar with Graceful Passages. It CD with music was often used in my hospice practice. And I think you’re right, about men having more difficulties dealing with openness than women. But I don’t think women’s acceptance of death is that much better then men. I think it’s more of a cultural rather than gender phenomenon–but that’s just conjecture. Your workshop sounds interesting. Reply Ken December 4, 2014 Stan, I just listened to Dr. Michael Fratkin’s TedTalk. Very moving. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQgjgFoLirsLeave a Reply Cancel ReplyYour email address will not be published.CommentName* Email* WebsiteSorry for adding Captcha, but the volume of spam requires it * seven − = 5 This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. Subscribe to get updates and receive your ebook -Family Conflicts During Health Crises: 13 Best Strategies To Prevent Them
Beth Voorhes December 6, 2014 Hi Dr. Goldburg, I am a hospice nurse in the Bay Area. I have a pt who is at the end stage of Alzheimers. Her son is taking his mother (who has always loved the opera) to see the same performance this weekend. He is doing this against the advice of the staff where she resides, other family members, and even some of the members of my team. To take this woman anywhere will require a taxing effort that may even cause her some discomfort and stress. I have had many discussions with the people opposed to this trip and was even “on the fence” myself. As I read your blog, I began to feel confident that this is going to be a good thing…..for him as well as her. My prayer is that she will have an incredible lucid moment and thoroughly enjoy hearing her last opera with her family. Thank you for all the work that you do. Reply
Stan Goldberg December 7, 2014 Hi Beth,I realize that my response will probably be too late for you patient. So, the advice can be used for other patients. To avoid anxiety caused by new situations it’s best to prepare the patient by introducing elements of the new setting. For the opera, I would have suggested listening to some arias, showing her photographs of the performance, and if possible even taking her to the building.Basically, what you are trying to do is introduce some familiarity, and hoping elements will remain in her memoryTake Care, Stan Reply
Ken Stofft December 3, 2014 Point well made, Stan. The same happens when people shun hearing of another’s problems. Too much for them to take in, but more likely too close for comfort. Have you read and listened to “Graceful Passages”, a small elegant book on death, containing two CDs, one with the messages from various people about death and their own dying, and the other with only music. I’m using some of those messages in a January 17th workshop I’m facilitating: “Transitioning into Death: A Personal Exploration”. This workshop is for men for I believe men in particular have a difficult time “letting go”. Reply
Stan Goldberg December 4, 2014 Hi Ken,I’m very familiar with Graceful Passages. It CD with music was often used in my hospice practice. And I think you’re right, about men having more difficulties dealing with openness than women. But I don’t think women’s acceptance of death is that much better then men. I think it’s more of a cultural rather than gender phenomenon–but that’s just conjecture. Your workshop sounds interesting. Reply
Ken December 4, 2014 Stan, I just listened to Dr. Michael Fratkin’s TedTalk. Very moving. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQgjgFoLirs