Four proven psycholinguistic strategies.
Key points

• Words can have a significant affect on relationships.
• Four psycholinguistic strategies that can preserve relationships.
• While some relationships are beyond repair, words should not be a factor.

Do you remember the children’s rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” It is one of the worst pieces of advice given to children and the cause of countless adult breakups. Words—not sticks and stones—are the greased rails upon which most relationships move forward or slide backward.

The study of how words affect our behavior and thinking is called psycholinguistics. Our words can act as sabers, often shaping relationships in ways we neither like nor understand.

While some psycholinguistic strategies for improving relationships can be difficult to apply, I have found four during my 30 years of clinical practice and research that are easy to use, apply to all ages, are gender-neutral, and are immediately effective. Try using them in relationships ranging from someone you meet on the street for the first time, to the person with whom you share your bed. From your three-year-old child to your great-grandmother, these strategies can be applied—with or without professional help.

There are many reasons why relationships fail. The unskillful selection of words does not need to be one of them.

1. Converse Rather Than Question

When I trained parents on how to interact with their children, I found an amazing correlation: Parents who engaged in genuine conversations rather than bombarding their children with questions saw significantly better language development. I observed similar positive results among adults—partners who conversed in-depth tended to enjoy a better relationship. One theory suggests that in-depth conversations give the impression of real interest in the speaker.

Takeaway: Engage in conversations rather than simply asking questions to show genuine interest in the other person.

2. Eliminate or Minimize Negative Words

The brain is like a giant sponge that constantly searches for connections, often picking up on negativity. When you use negative words, your brain starts to associate them with negative memories—even if there is no logical connection. This can unintentionally cast neutral or even positive situations in a negative light.

Takeaway: By reducing or eliminating negative words (for example, trying to avoid saying “no” for a day), you lessen the chance of triggering negative associations.

3. Apologize Rather Than Defend

How often have you found yourself justifying your actions even when you knew you were wrong? Instead of twisting your words into an “I’m right” defense, consider simply apologizing—even if you don’t fully believe it. I once parked poorly and, rather than defending my mistake, I apologized profusely. The angry motorist halted mid-rant and even apologized for his rudeness.

4. Stop Being Judgmental

Comments like “If I were you, I would…” imply that your values are superior to those of the other person. This judgmental attitude can damage relationships by creating unnecessary hierarchies of values. Instead, recognize that differences in values reflect diverse life experiences rather than a measure of superiority. Few things harm relationships more than questioning someone’s ethics or morality.

Takeaway: Avoid phrases that suggest you know better than the other person; instead, acknowledge differences as variations in life experience.

References

1. Goldberg, Stan. Preventing Senior Moments: How to Stay Alert into Your 90s and Beyond, (Lanham, MD: Roman & Littlefield, 2023).

This article originally appeared on psychologytoday.com.