Our Insane and Destructive Thoughts: Part III-What to Do About Them
A novel about guilt, forgiveness, and what it takes to die at peace with the life you lived.
A novel about guilt, forgiveness, and what it takes to die at peace with the life you lived.
There is an option that worked for me in a very profound way. I wished I reacted differently to abusive behavior from a sibling when we were children. My original response was shame & rejection. The effects of abuse stayed with me all my life. But I’ve changed a lot after some awakenings. For example; Recently I imaginatively recreated one of the childhood incidents allowing myself to respond differently. Within the re-imagined scenario the bully abandoned me as before. This time I recognized the feeling of rejection for a moment and then discovered I was, in fact, FREED. The bully was gone from sight, no demeaning words, no having to comply with demands and making mistakes starting the cycle of abuse again. I was freed and my emotions went sky high! My imagination was on fire and I went on to deeply imaginative play with great joy!
I had visited the past and re-storyed it (Jean Houston teaches us) & the re-written past became the present. Both memories exist but the new one is more powerful. Try it. 1st give yourself permission to make changes. Now you can’t reverse a death, or anything that major. But there are many things that could have been otherwise. Go into a scene that had negative repercussions, and change something for the better. Go again and revel in the changes. Even the other people may change in your new inner world. Live into the feelings and own the best of it. Then tell me/ us if this stays with you and works to build up strength where there was pain.
Just be sure to make positive changes.
An unhealthy mind might decide to make bitter vindictive changes, enforcing one’s power over another. This will serve only to darken the psyche and take you on a path of self destruction.
An interesting approach Aryn. Another way of confronting past unskillful behaviors is understanding painful words and behaviors are most likely related to the needs of the person doing the hurting than the person on the receiving end.
It actually hurts the person who holds grudges more than the person in question. I also believe that, just as words can inadvertently hurt us, the right words, spoken with feeling and belief behind them, actually can eventually help heal the original wound that we may have caused.
So, though you may feel that whatever it was that you said or did was something that person could not forgive.. I would be more compelled to suggest that most people actually can forgive harsh words when given the right time and place for a sincere apology. We all are only human, after all, and we all get angry at times and say things that are hurtful. Usually we tend to last out at the people we care the most about.
Don’t beat yourself up about this situation,as this may be what is happening…and though you may not be able to ” let it go”, like ” Elsa” in the Disney movie ” Frozen”, the reality is…don’t give up on seeking that forgiveness if you feel that you need to be forgiven.
You can’t go back in time and redo the past, as you have suggested, however, forgive yourself first…and after you do that, you can move forward in healing or at least trying to heal that past hurt in whatever way seems appropriate.
I understand exactly what you’re trying to say here.
Wise words Cathy. The Tibetans have a saying, “you can throw hot coals at your enemy but you’ll burn your hands.” I agree the person holding the grudge probably suffers more than the person who supposedly did the unskillful act. While persistence may eventually work when seeking forgiveness, just the act alone of asking for it can be healing. Maybe that’s why confessions for Catholics is so powerful.