How should you respond when someone shares a terrible diagnosis?

Key Points

• Nearly 20 million Americans live with cancer, Parkinson’s, or Alzheimer’s.
• When someone reveals a diagnosis, it reflects both openness and the anticipation of life changes.
• Effective responses focus on understanding the impact of the illness—not on offering false hope.
• Compassion and genuine inquiry are more important than trying to find the “perfect” words.

Caring Responses to “I Have Cancer, Parkinsons, Alzheimer’s”

How should you respond when someone shares a terrible diagnosis?

Posted August 19, 2024 | Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Almost 20 million people in the United States live with cancer, Parkinson’s, or Alzheimer’s—the three major “bogeymen” illnesses that are often spoken of in hushed tones. When someone confides in you with such a diagnosis, your initial reaction might be mixed with shock and uncertainty: “Why are they telling me this?” followed by the painful question, “What should I say now?”

Why Are They Revealing a Diagnosis?

Revealing one’s catastrophic illness is not simply an act of openness; it reflects a collision between the world the person once knew and the reactions they expect from you. Imagine two jazz musicians about to improvise a piece together. They share the same melody, yet the embellishments come naturally as they respond to each other. Similarly, when a person shares their diagnosis, the “notes” they offer set the tone for your compassionate response.

When both parties are in sync, the exchange becomes a meaningful experience from which you both can emotionally grow.

Guidelines for Compassionate Responses

Don’ts

Don’t Minimize the Diagnosis. Phrases like “Oh, don’t worry—we’re close to a cure” or “Let’s hope for the best” may be well-meaning, but they can feel dismissive. Most people share their diagnosis not for false hope, but to seek genuine support and acceptance.

Don’t Search for the “Right” Words. When you’re caught off guard by the news, silence or awkward attempts to find the perfect phrase may only add to the discomfort. The idea that there is one “correct” way to respond is misleading.

Do’s

Understand the Changes. Rather than focusing on finding the perfect words, try to grasp how the diagnosis has altered the person’s life and identity. Recognize that their world is about to change in profound ways.

Recognize the Impact of a Shortened or Altered Future. A life-threatening diagnosis can shift priorities dramatically. Instead of assuming that optimism alone is enough, understand that the person now faces a future with different challenges and perhaps a new sense of urgency.

The key is to let your response come naturally from a place of genuine empathy. Whether that response is a supportive hug, a quiet presence, or thoughtful words, it should be guided by your understanding of their new reality.

The Take Away

The “right” words or actions will emerge once you focus on what truly matters—the changes in the person’s life caused by their diagnosis. When you hear someone say, “I have cancer, Parkinson’s, or Alzheimer’s,” imagine it’s your own loved one sharing deeply personal news. If you still feel unsure about what to say, ask them, “How do you feel about it?” Their answer can guide you toward a response that is both genuine and compassionate.

In time, your compassionate improvisation will help both of you grow emotionally, turning a potentially painful moment into one of mutual understanding and support.

References

1. Stan Goldberg, Preventing Senior Moments: How to Stay Alert Into Your 90s and Beyond (Lantham, MA: Roman & Littlefield, 2023)
2. Stan Goldberg, Leaning into Sharp Points: Practical Guidance and Nurturing Support for Caregivers (Lantham, MA: Roman & Littlefield, 2012)
3. Stan Goldberg, Lessons for the Living Stories: of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life (Boulder, CO: Trumpeter, 2029)

This article originally appeared on Psychology Today.