When They Come For You: Equal Rights
More than 15 years ago I was asked to sit on a contentious committee at San Francisco State University that was given the task of recommending curricular changes that would sensitize students to cultural differences. Suggestions were brought to the committee at its first meeting by faculty members. Ethnic Studies faculty made proposals for including what they believed were fundamental concepts...
Read MoreWhen You Can’t Let Go
Whenever I hear about the importance of letting go of the past, I think about a conversation I had with my mother more than thirty years ago. She emigrated to the United States from Poland when she was six years old, just before the rise of Hitler. Her memories of Poland and the indignities she suffered as a child because she was Jewish, would resurface whenever there was a discussion about...
Read MoreWant Enlightenment? Think Less, Do more
When I gave a workshop on change at a well-known retreat center, one participant told me that this was the tenth week-long workshop he attended in the past five years. “Why so many?” I asked. “I’m looking to find meaning in my life.” What I wanted to say was “why not stop looking and do something instead?” Trying to be compassionate, I nodded as if I understood, but didn’t. We...
Read MoreAlzheimer’s: Awareness Isn’t Enough
“If we just could increase awareness,” some of my friends with Alzheimer’s say, “funding would rise and the illness could be eventually controlled or eliminated.” I wish it was that simple. Politics of Research Funding As we live longer with illnesses that in the past killed us off quickly, the demands for research funding that would lead to their control and elimination increase. With...
Read MoreFeeling like a 1960 Edsel?-You’re Just Aging
When I was in college I would take whatever I was driving and offer it and $50 to a used car dealer for anything that ran on his lot with a current inspection sticker. Within the first few weeks, something would inevitably fall off. As I age, I feel as if I’ve taken on the personality of my clunkers. If I’m lucky, nothing of importance will drop off. I often hear discussions of aging at...
Read MoreI’m Different: Illness-based Identity
How we view ourselves—our identity—is based on what we do, the roles we play, activities we enjoy, affiliations we have, the values that structure our lives, our abilities, and relationships. When a meaningful part of a loved one’s life is lost, their self-perception and place in the world may change. Losing something that gave meaning to life is often a bi-product of chronic and...
Read MoreThe Goodbye Party: A Tribute to Your Dying Loved One
Excerpt from Leaning Into Sharp Points” Practical Guidance and Nurturing Support for Caregivers. One of the first things Dean did when I entered his apartment was show me the chair Tennessee Williams sat in when they discussed the state of theater in San Francisco. It was my first visit to Dean as a hospice volunteer for Pathways. “We were good friends,” he said. “Well, maybe not...
Read MoreShe says “I have cancer.” Now, what do you say?
There are 12 million of us in the United States who live with cancer and the number rises every year as researchers find new drugs to extend our lives. How will you respond when you hear the words "I have cancer?"
Read MoreGoing First: Preparing for a Loved One’s Death
EARLY PRAISE FOR LEANING INTO SHARP POINTS FROM LIVESTRONG “Stan Goldberg brings wisdom and personal experience as a caregiver and hospice volunteer to this compassionate and honest guide to providing care for one who is chronically or terminally ill. Written from the perspective of both the caregiver and the one who is receiving the care, it is a sensitive, rich, and often compelling...
Read MoreOpening the Soul’s Door:Caregiving
EARLY PRAISE FOR LEANING INTO SHARP POINTS “Stan Goldberg brings wisdom and personal experience as a caregiver and hospice volunteer to this compassionate and honest guide to providing care for one who is chronically or terminally ill. Written from the perspective of both the caregiver and the one who is receiving the care, it is a sensitive, rich, and often compelling resource.” – Andy...
Read MoreHow Can I Be a Compassionate Caregiver?
Caring for someone with a chronic or terminal illness can bring out the best in us. It's easy if it is someone who shares our values. But how do we show compassionate care for someone with few redeeming qualities?
Read MoreA Dying Man’s Question; A Turkish Answer
I was reluctant to tell my new hospice patient in San Francisco that I would be traveling in Turkey for the next two weeks. Two weeks for me was a short amount of time. For him, it would most likely be a significant portion of the life he had left. But it was a trip my wife and I had scheduled six months prior, and as is the case with so many things, my life involves a merging of these two...
Read MoreReflections From New York, September 18th, 2001
“Daddy, please come,” my daughter said on September 11th from New York City. Together, we watched the towers fall. Me, from the safety of my San Francisco home. She, from an office building in Rockefeller Plaza wondering if her friend survived.
Read MoreOf Course You Remember
Of course you remember she says. It was your sixtieth, and we came from across the country to express our love. I don’t remember, I say. But you do remember she says. We ordered your favorite Indian foods sang songs of the 60’s and danced to Eleanor Rigby. I don’t remember, I say. But you must remember, she says. We drank Woodford Reserve and reminisced about motorcycle days and drugged...
Read MoreIt’s Only Alzheimer’s, Not the Bloody Plague!
A friend recently said to me, “When our friends learned I had Alzheimer’s, many looked at me as if I had some kind of contagious disease. Then, they just stopped calling or coming around. Don’t they know it isn’t the bloody plague?”
Read MoreWelcome to Kauai. What’s the Strange Stick in Your Hand?
This article was originally published in Saltwater Fly Fishing, December, 1999 Almost every trip now is a fishing trip. Whether it is a professional conference in Anaheim or a visit to see my son at his summer camp in the Adirondacks. So when it was decided that as a family we would go to Kauai for Easter, I pulled out every old fly fishing magazine I owned along with the few books available on...
Read More“Shoot me, Please”: The Right to Die
He pleaded with me to shoot him and the request wasn’t figurative. He was my first patient as a hospice volunteer in San Francisco. That moment, eight years ago, still haunts me. Not because I was confronted with a real life decision of immense consequences, but rather because I knew that I couldn’t honor his request, nor relieve the enormous psychological pain he was enduring—one that...
Read MoreMy Brain is Fried: Inside Chronic Illnesses
Many people believe that everyone lives in the same world. At an event, we all see, smell, taste, or touch the same things, and therefore, our experiences are identical. But when we crunch the information into something that goes beyond observations, unique worlds—ones we may not understand—are created.
Read MoreCaregivers: We’re Not Mother Teresa
I’d been a bedside volunteer for more than five years; sitting with dying patients and their families once or twice a week for up to four continuous hours. Sometimes I stayed with patients overnight. Regardless how demanding my responsibilities, I knew that when I left the bedside, I’d have three to six days to “recover.” It was a time to prepare myself for next week’s activities that...
Read MoreA New Workshop for Caregivers
“How do I do this?” he said. His wife was just enrolled in hospice. “We’ve been married for 40 years, but God help me, I don’t know what I should be doing.” It’s a question asked by millions of people every day when they anticipate or find themselves thrust into the role of caregiver for a loved one who is dying. Their involvement may be continuous, providing physical and emotional...
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